Just where do ideas come from?

Apparently this puzzles a lot of people, usually the kind that enjoys mathematics, stamp collecting, and watching NASCAR. How does a juicy big idea plop into someone's head, resulting in an award winning novel, film, or patent? How can I have one of these ideas, and become famous and successful? Why do all these clever ideas-bastards never share their secret? Happily, I have found the answer.

Having an idea is a lot like having a poo; there are multiple stages to creating the next big revelation, which boils down to a study of cause and effect. Much like poo, you must feed yourself in order to hatch an idea. This is a metaphorical feeding of your brain, scrounging off the plate of life and if possible asking for seconds. What you see, hear and touch every day is actually stored somewhere deep inside the stomach of your subconcious, where it slowly digests and transfers to the bowels of your mind. It is here that dreams are made by the slow decomposition of interactions settling in your brain as you sleep, filtering sounds and images to either be stored or scorned in a process so complex we'll probably never be able to understand it.

Eventually you're left with a crazed slideshow of images and sounds floating in your subconcious, just waiting to be released. In order to do this, you must concentrate. The moment of release after a bowel movement is often described as 'ecstatic' for a reason, and some would say it's similar to an orgasm. At this point your body takes over, and things start to happen. You feel a rumble, a heavyness and a general sense of panic. The demented wastes of life rushing through you make their presence known, and all you can do is find a suitable outlet. Rushing to a computer, voice recorder, or pen and paper before the idea bursts uncontrolably from within, exploding shamefully down your leg and ruining your favourite pair of pants. If you're lucky, you make it in time and are saved the humiliation of making a mess of things, capturing the snap-shot of genius in it's proper place where you can study it at your own leisure, expanding, making changes, and refining. Sometimes you only manage to capture a little of it as it slides out unexpectedly, and afterwards cry in dismay at the shameful stains dribbled down your favourite pair of pants.

My advice to you is to eat up, and prepare yourself. Go out and talk to everyone you can, smell every flower, listen to every bird, then wait. When you feel like you can no longer hold it in, let go. I promise you that you'll have an original idea of your very own in no time.